I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
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Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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