good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
