youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
