dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I feel like abortions should bother me more
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
