I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
