You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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