And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
