how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
