wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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