Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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