Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
