Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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