alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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