just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
