I accidentally had phone sex last night
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
