last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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