I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
