i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
