i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
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Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
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How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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