I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
