someone threw a dead crab at me
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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