I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
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a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
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Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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