I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
