Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We need a shit load of segways right now
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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