He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
