I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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