i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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