; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
