My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
