there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
