I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
