Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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