i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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