god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
