I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
