I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
