it wasn't lemon gatorade
I wish I only lived at night.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Randomize
