how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
