Cold hands, warm shart.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
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Houston, we have a squirter
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
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Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness