Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on