So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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