this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
