this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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