he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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