i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.