I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.