I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
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Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The power of my boobs compel you
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It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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