Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
