I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
