When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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