These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
