you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
