I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
