Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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