I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
