After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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