New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
