He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
