false alarm. still invincible.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
