At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
