I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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