sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
